wants vs needs

I want you right now. 

jealousy is shit

Ye aku jeles ok. Aku jeles. Tkyah a ckp dgn dia. Ckp dgn aku je. Ye aku tamak. Sbb dlm kepala otak aku mcm tgh ada special moment dgn kau and tk effected by dia. Kau ckp dgn aku je ah, tk payah la cakap panjang2 dgn dia ala aku jeles a shit la haish benci a ala tkyah la. Dengan aku je la. Tk payah lah dengan dia. Haih. 

choose me, please.

Cakap la dgn saya.
Whatsapp la dgn saya.
Buat la first move dengan saya.
Ajak la saya buat pape.
Suruh la saya buat apa2 utk awak pun takpe.
Saya nak buatkan. Relakan.

Buat la first move, excitement awak untuk cakap dgn saya. Please la excited nk cakap dengan saya. Buat la first move. Whatsapp la kata nk dengar pape ke ke nak tnye homework ke nak tanya apa2 je la.

you excites me

Everytime after i meet with you. I guess im falling for you. Am i falling in love? I dont know but what i know is that i fall for you.
Gosh. I dont even know why. I dont even understands why. But you excites me. Talking to you excites me. Seeing you excites me. Even thinking about you excites me. I can talk about you and only you all day long. God i can. I can talk about you with everyone.
Your existence itself excites me.
You are the second person in my whole life that excites me to talk to. Even theres no topic, theres nothing to talk about. But talking to you, did that to me.

Ahhh. I dont even understands. I know thaT i didnt fall in love. But i fall in something. Its not those lovey dovey love shit. Man, im tired of that. Next time, love dovey shit let that be when im in my marriage. Its like with you, just you, excites me. I can forget about you, not be having a conversation with you or whatever but just right as you came and talk to me again, the feeling all looooommmsss back in one go. And i fall back again :'))) its shit bcs it would be hard to get over you although im not falling in love with you.

Maybe im falling in excitement. Who knows.

bearable pain.

Everything hurts right now. Im in pain. 

Mungkin kah ini kifarah dosa.

mungkin ada yang lebih baik

Impian dan cita - cita. 

Bila sebut pasal impian dan cita -cita aku ada banyak. Tapi setakat kehidupan 21 tahun aku, ada satu impian dan cita2 aku yg dh lama terkubur since aku habis SPM. 

Which is impian dan cita - cita aku dalam studies dan career for the future. 

Aku habis SPM, aku tekad, aku nk sambung in architecture. Or perhaps computer science. tu tk sgt la, tp aku mmg nk sambung in architecture. Tapi ye lah, atas takdir, tak dpt sambung. Mmg tk dpt offer, interview skali pun mmg tk dpt. IPTS tu mmg ada, tpi mungkin sebab mahal, parents pun tknk. huhu. 

Tp takpelah. Aku redha walaupun impian tu dh lama terkubur.

Aku tahu tuhan tu maha menentukan segalanya. Dia lah sebaik2 perancang dan sebaik2 penentuan. Aku tk pernah betah atau bidas balik takdir. Aku terima dan aku redha dengan segala ketentuan yang Allah tentukan. Aku tahu, dan aku percaya dengan konsep rezeki yang tuhan berikan.

Kalau takde rezeki kat situ, kalau takde jodoh kt situ. mmg tkdelah. 

Tpi aku faham, kalau Allah taknak kasi sekarang, mungkin Allah akan ksi nanti. atau, mungkin Allah akan kasi lebih baik and lebih better daripada apa yang aku nak sgt. Allah tahu apa yang di belakang dan apa yang di depan. Aku tahu, semunya dah tertulis pun di luhmahfuz Allah. 

Dan aku terima sebaik - baiknya. 

So nk jdikan cerita dekat post ni.

Aku mmg support kalau kawan2 aku sambung studies dalam apa yang diorang nk. Walaupun skrg ni dh degree and setengah jalan dah, kalau dpt offer or interview in apa yang diminta dan diharapan. 

Pergi. Harung. Hadap. Fight for it !

Mmg aku gembira bila member bgithu diorng dpt offer and dpt interview bagai smua. 

Aku akan tolong sebanyak mana yang aku mampu. Aku boleh tolong kau get ready untuk interview. 

Sbb walaupun aku tk dpt nk merasa smua itu di ketika itu, sekadar 'tumpang kegembiraan' tu dah buat aku happy excited skali mcm aku dpt skali! hhahaha. itulah hakikat sebenar. 

Aku happy untuk mereka semua. Mmg aku benar2 happy. 

emotions

I can feel the jealousy. The vibe, the aura of jealousy from you. Im not saying im proud or anyting but man, even you didnt show it, but i can still feel it.

Somebody once said, its a curse and a blessing to feel everything very so deeply.
Everything that i feel are so very deeply. Every little things i interpret so very muchly deep. Its not that i over think things. But theres just so much emotions in me.

In evrrything that i do, i would very firstly, read the emotions on it. Emotions plays a very big role a in my life. Im affected by emotions so much. Like really2. For others, they can ignore apart of their feelings and emotions. But not for me. I feel everything. Even for the slightest thing.

let it be me

when all that you want is an attention from that one person but somehow someone else gots it and that someone is your friend and hmmmm jealous ? i guess so. but yeah whatever i have so much other things to think about so yeah 

so much anger

you

god. i dont why but i have so much anger towards you

i dont know if my judgement mixed with my own emotions , but hail the hell, there's so much anger i have towards you right now. 

i dont understands why. you're two different fucking person and its fucking anoyying. 

you during face to face and you in the phones are absolutely two different persons. 

but why, the person i communicate to on the phones are the ones that excites me more? 

The one on the social media, shows the real fucking you. And that excites me.

you face to face, is the typical kind.

i've met many with those typical kinds.

and that doesnt excites me luls

ok nuf shit bout that, the thing is im mad. so much anger. i guess i shouldnt be mad, but god, you're fucking anoyying. and im fucking mad. and aku harap kau terasa. ok bye.

being sane

i guess im starting to understand you.

i dont say that i understands you. but im starting to. 

its hard at first, but time gets by, i starting to see your patterns. how you deny, defy, how there's so many you in a person. im far from judging, really far. its not my place to judge you from being you. But all and all, you, im starting to see you. The more you close up yourself, the more people can see you. 

I guess im starting to see, because ive been there. I closed up to people. But as i get older, i understands that talking to people is the reason of my sane-ness. 

I am sane because i talk to others. Theres this girl, i've talk to her about everything. I knew her very little time. I knew her in my diploma time. she's a friend of friend. she a classmate. but she ends up being a friend. I guess, she's the kind you'd keep till you die. She knows everything about me. Everything that needs to know about a person. Even FA doesnt knows that private into my life. I dont why i told her everything, but i guess, she's the kind that would listen to you, and by listening, you could actually talk about anything, and its feels good to get things out of your mind. 

Getting things out of my head, is the one thing that keeping me sane. 

I know i have god. I have quran and religions.But i guess, as a human, we also need human touch. Back to my main topic, im going to say that, Im starting to see you. The other side of you.

Its okay, really, I dont need you to share your problems with me for me to understands you.

Apple Inventions.

Truth to be told, i really admire the inventions of apple. Its been 3 years device since their first launching and people still would buy the iphone 5. Amazing? Yes. It really shows that the products that they sell and launched is very usable. Do you see people buying a brand new samsung with a model that is 3 years old? No you dont. Its outdated they would say. But why an iphone? Thats a question. 

Ive been using my macbook since im 15 years old. And now im 21. So its like 5 years ++ . Same old macbook with 256gb and 2 ram memory. And going strong and good. Even through time, its getting a bit slower. Never been formatted even twice during my usage. 

But, when i used my windows, i dont know how many times ive formatted it. I could count that i'd format my windows computer at least, i repeat, AT LEAST, once a year. No lie. Infact, theres this one time, i formatted the same laptop about 3 to 4 times in a year. No shit. The machine is just a piece of shit. And i never regret changing to mac. 

Im not glorifying that im an apple fanboy, but when you pay just a little bit more for a much much much better device or machines. Why not? 

Plus, ive been using my ipod touch 5g since i first came out. For now, its been like 3+ years? And i love the photography that i took with it. 5mp camera with 2mp front camera, is still better than samsung's or sony's 16mp camera. Its true. Much much better. 

Its not a sin to pay more, to get much better. 

Australia, I'll miss you.

Its hard to go back home, to go back to your reality when you have nothing to look upon.

I enjoyed my time here and Im still enjoying the last and every bit of it. My flight home would be, yeah, tomorrow. Flight at 9.20 pm would be ready for boarding. And it would land at 3.15am on 20 february. I can say that im about to get panic attack as im writing this. 

This hollow feelings are deepen inside me as im typing this. I hate goodbyes. I really am. It doesnt matter goodbye to a person or goodbye to a place. I can say that I am in love with this city. Im in love with Australia. Im in love with this lifestyle. The laid back lifestyle. The lifestyle where you can be who the fuck you want to be or you can do what the fuck you want to do and no one would even care. Yes this lifestyle, and Im in love with it. 

As much as I would like to go back to Malaysia. Even theres only a little things to look forward to, but i still gonna miss this city. And I guess, Im really gonna miss Newcastle. I've been living in Taree for a month a year before this. And I felt the same things i felt before when i left for Taree. And now, Im going to left Newcastle. Although i spend most of my time in Taree, before actually living in Newcastle, but Im still gonna miss Newcastle. Perhaps, Newcastle has been more like home. 2 months, and i fell in love completely. I really do. 

So yeah, life is a chapter. And this chapter of my laid back life is about to come to an end. And i guess, im ready for next. Although Im being ultimately indenial about it. But i guess, i have to face it. Gahhh. 

I hate this feeling. Hollow. Its not empty. But its hollow. Its homesick.

 Im gonna miss all of this. I really do. Last time is like 1 month. And this time its more than 2 months. So Im like.. the homesickness would be rather greater than before. 

Australia, I'll miss you. 

Thank you for the adventure. It has been a great journey. I've learnt alot in my 2 months. 

I'll miss all of this.